I had absolutely no feeling at times, and there were times when my mind would rush me through a dense traffic of countless thoughts with innumerable checks in my decision tree. What if, this, else, that, then what if this. It never ended at times, making me go crazy without being able to share what I felt or was feeling with anyone other than my depressed self. I would eat something and go to bed to get some shuteye, only to realise that it was already 4 am and I had never rested. My brain never rested. There were also days when I would never sleep for over 72 hours (Yes, I counted the hours).

Over time, I realised I had been losing pleasure and joy in life and would have no interest in what and how my close ones were doing; I started losing concentration and focus in daily activities. I used to think there would be no time when I would be happy ever again. Being a food lover, I used to love varieties of foods. But, I started losing my appetite, often eating just one meal to eating just a biscuit packet in a day to deal with that knot in my stomach. I had no idea how to describe these feelings, these worse nightmares of my daily life, to anyone. Some days would go by with severe headaches and body aches, maybe because I was too weak and inactive with low energy in my body. There have also been days when I would contemplate extreme steps in life. But, then a part of me somewhere would shout at me and say, “Are you serious? Are you this weak? Have you not seen and been through hard phases earlier? Now, what happened? You are breaking!” I would attempt to stop that “sane” person inside my head and say, “Shut up! What do you know!” Then, it goes silent. “Yah, Yah! But remember, I am not leaving you alone.” These feelings became more vigorous and haunting when news about a few unfortunate incidents occurred in India. Some of these were that of Two Hindu saints who were being lynched and killed by the locals in Palghar, Maharashtra; a pregnant elephant being forced to eat bombs and due to which she died a horrible death in Kerala; and Sushant Singh Rajput, a great Bollywood actor who I admired, passed away under questionable circumstances. I went numb after learning about these incidents, going into that phase of extreme sadness and a pit from which I thought I would never get out. Some of these feelings would come out in intense anger, forcing me to break physical stuff, one of which was my badminton racquet – that once was one of my favourite companions and breaking that coffee mug that an old friend of mine had gifted me with so much love. I neither felt proud of these actions nor thought these were sane, and that feeling would make me sad and low. I never wanted to leave my house, sometimes closed for days and weeks, perhaps, and whenever I came out, people wouldn’t notice what I was going through. The idea of keeping a “fake” smile on the face would probably have helped; I don’t know. But, somewhere, I always needed help. I wanted to talk. I wanted to shout about what I am going through. I would call some of my friends, only to realise that they are already dealing with so much that I would not burden them with pity. Also, I didn’t know what I would say to them. Do I say, “Hey, I am feeling like this?” How the hell would I express what I am feeling? Even when I tried that, I often got responses like “Everything will be okay; this is just a bad phase. This too shall pass.” No, I didn’t want your philosophical extremities now; I just wanted you to “listen” to me.

This process had been going on for months, shortly after COVID hit and just after, some of my most beautiful personal decisions were turning out to be not very favourable for my life, or at least these feelings made me think so. However, I trust that I may have positively impacted the lives of people involved in these stages. I seemed to have sensed everybody was in some phase like mine or maybe Not. I succumbed to this for nearly two years until something unexpected yet beautiful happened in my life (Well, that for later). But, if someone sees the things that are seen about a person from the outside, perhaps the personal achievements and progress that I made over the years, these stages of life would never surface anywhere. However, I am damn proud of those achievements and progress.

Around somewhere, there was still a signal or an indescribable instance in my head that touched me once and said, “I know you are feeling like this. But, can you do this?” It further said, just remember that “Hope is a good thing and hold on to that.” I said, “what a big deal. Yes, I can.” I started uttering this one sentence “Hope is a good thing.”, whenever I felt sad and that undiagnosed feeling.

We are nearing the end of 2022, a year I thought I would never witness. I now feel newer and better and happier than ever. I feel so good nowadays and get a sweet smile when I look back.

For those who read this blog and reached this sentence, if you ever felt or feel like you have been through these “phases” of life, remember, I am there for you.

Wishing you a lot of fun and yummy treats. Happy Halloween!

From:
T
San Diego, CA